


The Old School Sword

by AnnatheBooks



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 09:27:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10554000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnatheBooks/pseuds/AnnatheBooks
Summary: Two orcs meet on the battle trail.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A bit of silliness that arose from my love of LOTR and all things Tolkien, combined with my school story obsession (not to mention my crush on Lord Peter Wimsey. . .). Very silly indeed, totally non-canon! But I've always wondered what orc life might be like away from the interminable wars. . .

“I say, old chap,” said Lugurz to the orc at the head of the column alongside his, “I don’t mean to be rude, but did you go to Mordor, by any chance?”

The orc, Grizog by name, shook his head. “Afraid not, old chap. Orthanc Towers, class of 1102 Third Age. Grizog’s the name”

Lugurz thrust out a claw for the other to shake. “Lugurz, Mordor College, class of 1102. Apologies for neglectin’ the rules of etiquette, but you do look awfully familiar.”

The two shook claws, carefully. Grizog said, “M’father was an Old Mordorian though, S.A. 2214 to 2260. Head Prefect for his last two years, Captain of the Shelob House First XV, held the Most Elves Butchered Shield for five years running. He was ‘finished’ at Orthanc, which is how I came to go there.”

“Ah,” Lugurz nodded, “the likeness is uncanny. He and the Pater would have crossed swords then. The jolly old p.f. was at Mordor around the same time. Head of Morgul House, got his name on the Elf-Butcher Cup a couple of times himself, but I think his flair lay more in the man-flesh line.”

Grizog nodded sagely. 

“It takes all kinds to make the School what it is, what? Can’t all excel at one thing to the exclusion of all else. I went in for Ent Bashing at Orthanc. Our headmaster, Old Saruman, wanted to branch out a bit – pardon the pun! – so we had extra tuition in Tree Recognition, Dodging Walking Trees, that sort of thing. Mind you, we had to do our fair share of Elf Hunting and Man Killing too. It wasn’t all lolling about chopping down trees, you know!”

“Were you still there when Halfling Hunting became _le dernier cri_?” asked Lugurz. “My word, but the fuss our lot made over that! I was in Angmar House, and our Master, the Witch King, took off for simply ages, on all these different training courses, and when he finally came back he sacked all the Elf Butchery and Man Killing masters and put the whole house onto Halfling training. Turned out fairly well, I must admit, because the Headmaster awarded us the House Cup that year, and everyone knew he only ever gave it to his own House. I need hardly describe the pitched battles that ensued between our boys and the Orodruin duffers!”

Both orcs laughed. “Ah yes,” sighed Grizog, “even we knew all about the Orodbods! Fearful oiks, most of them, weren’t they? Gave themselves airs because they were in His House, and yet most of them couldn’t follow a man trail if the man were ten steps away from them. Yes, that sort of reputation rather goes before one, doesn’t it?”


End file.
